Monday, May 09, 2011


And I guess the thing that is concerning me most is my walk with God. I am struggling with everything lately. Quiet time is practically nonexistant. I spend way too much time trying to get inspiration from the internet...facebook...twitter. I mean they all can be good and I am just following Godly people but it so isn't necessary. And then I am critical of one church member. Who am I to be critical of her?!

I have attempted to do the Made to Crave bible study. Started with 8 people ended with just 2 of us. But why does that matter? The two of us got something out of it and those who didn't continue are the ones who missed out.

And then in Sunday School yesterday, I had a meltdown. In Sunday School. With Amanda. UGH!! I was interested in starting Lysa TerKeurst's More Than a Good Bible Study Girl study and we watched the first weeks DVD.

OH...and did I mention that the insprection stickers on both the VW and the truck expired the end of April? Just sayin...

Back on track. I want so much to have an accountability group. Atleast I think I do but after talking with Amanda I am not sure I really do. I mean it has become apparent to me that we talked alot in my family (dinner time for example) but we never really talked ABOUT anything that mattered. Eddie and I are the same way. I write this because I don't think I could ever make him understand my craziness. We talk about absolutely nothing that means anything. When we do talk it is usually me complaining/yelling and he just lets me rant. Wehave been together for more than 20 years and he still has no idea of the crazy things that go on in my head. The times I am grateful that I made it home without driving head on into a semi. WOW...actually said that out loud.

Need to get my mess straightened out...


Ed's orders with the National Guard where over the end of March 2011. The two months prior, there was something crazy going on with his paychecks...they say he was overpaid last year and starting taking money out each payperiod to repay. I was unable to get an answer from Ed about what/why this was being done. Still haven't really...he keeps insisting that there were payments made during the past year that he shouldn't have gotten. My feeling is that since he has been paid the same amount for the past several years...I don't follow. Asked him to get copies of his LES forms and show me but we have gotten no where with that. In the meantime, the bimonthly checks went from $2400 to $800. Quite a reduction in pay...

Then they stopped completely in April. With no prospects of any new job. It was over a month before he even started to look. And apply for unemployment?? Why we didn't do that until April 18th and a week later when I ask about it I am told "they need a copy of my orders". OK!!! And in the middle of all this...the VA decides that Caitlin is no longer eligible for any benefits. The 36 months became 12 and they cut her off. Fortunately, I had a little put away to pay for the balance due on this quarters tuition bill and to have her wisdom teeth removed. Did I mention that she needed to have all four removed??!!

And have I said anything about the fact that my house is not my home anymore? I love that fact that Bryce and Jed are living with us but I hate when Jed is working third shift. He gets to spend so much more time with his son...but that means that Bryce gets to spend so much more time with his Dad - read UNDISCIPLINED!! Church is becoming unbearable. I am amazed that those sitting around us haven't moved. Caitlin got to see it in all his glory yesterday.

I come home at night, go to my room and stay there. There is absolutely no interaction with the guys. It is absolute insanity most of the time. Either watching the SYFY channel or Spongebob Squarepants!! Even Hannah has started to hide. I was concerned because she kept sleeping next to the wall behind the desk at the door. Then she moved over to behind Eddie's chair and it dawned on me that she was hiding too!! The girls in this house are definately outnumbered!

All this is going on with a child who has moved home with his child and over the course of the last two years that they have been with us he has given me $150 to pay bills. I mean....really? He has a full time job. Even his vehicle is his dad's and we pay the insurance for it. I feel like a complete dube...we have allowed him to overtake our home, our finances and everything. Our lives revolve around Jed and Bryce. I want to do the right thing by them....but I am to where I don't know what that is anymore!



Really had a difficult weekend...well actually it's been the past several weeks and I am struggling to make sense of it all. Maybe writing will help so you are now subject to the ramblings of a 50+ year old crazy woman. Grab a cup of coffee and relax. It may be worth a few minutes of your time!!

Everything really started to fall apart a few months ago when I was planning a Simulcast of Pricilla Shirer's Going Beyond event. At the last minute I had gone to the Feminar event in Longview, TX and really felt the Lord telling me to arrange for the Simulcast. We needed something for the ladies in our church since they had cancelled the Women of Faith Conference in Shreveport this year. Maybe this was the first downfall...maybe it wasn't God leading me! But I sincerely felt I got home, talked to Byron and got his encouragement and signed up.

As usual, I was much more excited about the Simulcast than most of the women in our church. Thank goodness there were a few exceptions! Jeana and Berry Wayne really kept me going. And the Simulcast itself was FANTASTIC!! God was definately in the house that Friday night. Just what I needed.

Then Good Friday...Secret Church with David Platt. Couldn't get any one to go with me so I went to a church in West Monroe by myself. The most interesting, blessed, learning 6 hours!!! So sorry I couldn't get any one to come with me. I mean seriously, 6 hours of bible study with David Platt. Awesome!!

I then spent several days listening to various preachers on the internet.'s pastor, Craig Groeschel, spoke on "Wierd because Normal Isn't Working", had an awesome testimony, David Platt's first chapter of his new Radical book was stirring. Oh, and listened to Perry Noble at NewSpring and Steven Furtick at Elevation church.

All this, along with listening to nothing but Christian music and following new inspirational people on Twitter, have been very good for my mental facilities! The problem was that during this time everything at home was falling apart. TO BE CONTINUED...